Make it Work
A good friend was in town this last week that once again brought up that he’s still looking for what we have. Most people won’t acknowledge that the relationship we have isn’t rare or magical; it’s work. Everyone gets so attached to the falling in love part like it’s what defines a relationship’s stability. Once you’re in love it’s supposed to be smooth sailing, sunshine, and happy bunnies. This is why relationships fail, people. You trust that love will carry you through, but that’s not how it works.
No one gets to see the gritty parts of someone else’s marriage: the tears, the late night fights, the bending, the melding of two different cultures even if you lived on the same street. There’s a lot of communicating going on. Effective communication is like walking through a minefield. Sure, you could blaze straight through but someone’s going to get hurt. It’s harder to pick your words with care and to slowly weave your way across, but you come out intact on the other side. I think of this when the husband has done something that infuriates me. As angry as I am at the time, in fifteen minutes I’m going to feel better and I want to see us complete and whole at the end. This is especially useful to keep in mind when I’m grumpy and ready to lash out at anyone standing nearby.
Keeping a relationship healthy is also about choice and sacrifice. I explained to this friend that had Luis and I made different decisions about what we wanted as people that we would not have survived as a couple. After the husband and I first started dating I had been given an offer to move to Massachusetts, and I was seriously considering making the move. I knew that our budding relationship would not survive such a choice, so I thought about what was best for me. It didn’t take long to realize that if I left I would always wonder what could have happened between us. I’m glad I stuck around, but it was also the best decision for me at the time.
I am still a creature of wanderlust. I always want to see new places, and experience new things, but I can’t just expect my husband to go along with my desires. Had I run off to Massachusetts I may have ended up living somewhere else shortly after. This would have been fine. I didn’t have another person to consider. Now, if we move it will be because we both want to, and until then I will make plenty of trips in my own head and continue to check out real estate in random locations. It is not a good time to move for the both of us so I will wait until that time comes, if it ever does.
What it comes down to is you have to make sure you keep this other person in your life present in your mind. This isn’t easy, and it takes a while to do, but it’s worth the effort. I wish I could get this friend of mine to take a deep breath and be patient. To figure out what he’s looking for in a partner, to learn more about himself and find the balance that it takes to be both present and giving. My marriage is still new and shiny, but I think by keeping these things open and in the forefront of my mind that it will still be shiny and happy even after twenty years. I’ve got to hold out for the good presents, after all.